There was a time, he says, there was a time…
there was a time when I wanted to be a hero.


I wanted to rescue that drowning man, I wanted to be the one to climb into the fire and pull out the little girl. I wanted to be the fireman with eyes of courage stark white in a smokeblacked face. I wanted to hear the rush of "Yes!" from the crowd, wanted to be dressed in yellow, stepping from the flames.
I'm thinking, "He means the shot from Backdraft."
Yes, like that film, he says, Backdraft?.

Yes, I say. But it didn't happen?

No, it didn't happen. First I tried football. I wanted to be the little guy, the fast one, the one who ran sixty to catch the pass, dodged, dived, went in under the posts for the final score. It would be raining. I'd stand up, I can still see it. I would stand up, covered in mud. I'd hold up the ball up to the lights, look up at the score, and know that was me, they would never take it away from me.

What then?

I joined the military. I was a grunt, had my rifle, served, came under fire once, but no, it wasn't what I thought it would be. They wanted me to be a radioman, lug this coffin round, waiting for the gooks to pick you off.

That's brave, isn't it?

Is it? Or is it scared, scared, scared, you're just waiting for the moment? If it happens they call you a hero, but you aren't a hero. You just carried that coffin, waited for the bullet, scared, scared, scared.

And then you came out?

I came out, went to college.

You taught?

English at Rushmere High, the projects. Some of the kids were bigger than me, black kids mostly, a few Puerto Ricans. I thought maybe that might be it. I could help them, maybe. Maybe I could get some of those kids a career, keep them from screwing up.

He's thinking of "Dangerous Minds."

But no?

But I couldn't stay. It didn't work out. The kids, I was so small and they wouldn't be quiet. I had to leave.

Which was how you became a policeman?

Yes. I went through Academy, started as a rookie over in Brent. Worked with a big cop called Ford. Big and tough, he was. From Baltimore. He thought I'd make a cop but I ought to grow a bit, he said. I told him, twenty-five, I am, I've done all my growing.

But he died?

He died. That was the dumbest thing. He just died. Big and tough as he was, he tripped over summat on a roof – we were after some kid – tripped up, barely tapped his head but something broke inside and he just died.

You went to the funeral?

I went to the funeral. They said he was a hero, a public servant. He shot two guys, once, did you know? They robbed a store, shot the keeper, and Jack Ford dropped them before they got out the door.

So he was a hero?

But he fell down on that roof, tripped up on some trash, tapped his head and he's dead.

You left the force?

Not straight away, but not long either. I took some leave, got buddied with Clark, that Lithuanian guy with the long surname. He was OK, but I left. I quit. I just don't know. Yeah, I quit.

Which was why you set up as a detective?

I went on a course, got accredited. Got myself a little office in Henryville. I could make enough and I didn't want to sell out.

Now he's Philip Marlowe.

I figured, maybe one day, there would be a case. I'd crack it, save some heiress, maybe marry her. Blackmail is not nice, is it?

No.

But never happened. I went to Alaska. Alaska. Figured all that snow and stuff. Maybe I'd be like a pioneer.

It didn't work out?

Work out? Are you kidding me? You know what they do nights in fucking Anchorage?

(This is the first time he has sworn).

No what?

Get drunk, go fuck a moose.

I scribble under the table.

Go fuck a moose, you say?

Man, he says, it's so cold up there and the sky is way too big.

Which is why you came to Washington?

Yeah, I came to Washington. I cleaned a few windows. Had me a big white transit. Had a round, I built it, houses, some stores, one or two offices.

You made a living?

Yeah, I made a living. I was doing all right. In fact I was doing fucking all right until the thing with the fucking IRS. Does it make you angry, John?

Yes, it fucking makes me angry. I was in the army fer fuck's sake. I was deep in country. I got myself two Purple Hearts and a Silver Star.

And?

And then I came out. I was a po-lice-man. I was undercover, I was right on the edge. I put some dirty men away. Once I collared two guys robbed a store and shot the owner. I put them down in the doorway.

Right.

But I left then, I'd found Jesus. The force, it was corrupt, you know? Guys took payoffs. I went to Alaska to start a mission, but I got sick. I had to come home to Washington. I'm sorry to hear that.

It's no problem. You seem like a nice guy. Yeah, I was in Nam, that's where I got this.

(John points to a small scar above right eye).

Then I was a cop, then a priest. But I got sick and they sent me to Washington.

John, I need to write things down, OK? I need you to tell me everything again.

OK.

If you can tell me about the fire in Rushmere, John, that would be nice. And the rifle, John, tell me where you bought the rifle.

Did I tell you, I was in fuckin' NAM, man, a fucking hero! Yes, John. Tell me again, and tell me, tell me about the rifle.

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