Harry sat in his vinyl chair staring out the window. The palsy was gripping his face and hands and the pain he felt at times made him desire to end his life. At 83 he was alone, his wife and children had died years before. He never thought he would end his days in a nursing home with strangers caring for him. The screams of other residents during the night and the rambling of those with dementia haunted him most of the day and caused him to be restless during the night. The palsy was slowly destroying what remained of his body but his mind was still sound and he found some peace in the fact of knowing what his fate was. He once liked to go to the enclosed patio and look out into the daylight and the gardens outside of the home. He had come to dislike the trip down the hallway filled with the stench of soiled diapers and urine and had stopped going to the patio.
- The pattern of Harry's day was consistent. He would wake at 7:00 a.m. and have breakfast. He would watch Jerry Springer and Maury and feel a bit more normal. Lunch was at 12pm and then he would watch reruns of Murder She Wrote and Columbo on A&E and dinner was at 5pm. He would try to go to sleep at 7pm but was restless through most of the night. He often hoped he would leave this world in his sleep void of the knowledge of the pain of death. Watching the aides wheel patients to the dining hall he felt lucky he could still walk.
- The aide placed his tray of food in front of him. Looking down he could see the slab of meat loaf, cold green beans and corn, a square cut of carrot cake on the tray. He listened to the other residents around him, some coherent, others mumbling, speaking to people who were not there.
- His life which had been so full had come to this.
- Harry was alone yet surrounded by hundreds of people many who did not know he was even there. He looked down at the tray once more and decided he wasn't hungry and was ready to leave the dining hall.
- Harry began to stand up when he felt her hand on his shoulder. The aide had returned, she told Harry he had to finish his dinner. The aide tucked a napkin in his shirt collar placing a piece of the cold meat on a fork and bringing it to Harry's mouth. The cold gravy dripped off the fork splattering Harry's pants. Incensed, Harry told the aide to leave. She shoved the meat to his mouth and told him he had to eat. Harry tried to stand, but her hand was holding him down. He demanded her to remove her hand. The aide began to yell for help while holding Harry down.
- Two nurses ran to Harry, but he was glad to see them. They would understand he was not hungry.
- Harry smiled at the nurses who stood at each side of him. The needle prick to his arm took him by surprise. Harry slowly drifted off into a deep sleep.
- The sound of someone mumbling woke Harry from his sleep. He opened his eyes, looking around the room which was empty, he realized he was mumbling. He could feel slobber running from his mouth down his chin and attempted to wipe it from his mouth. His hands could not move as they were tied with restraints to bed rails now on either side of him. Looking down the length of his body, he cringed when he saw he was only wearing a diaper. The aide entered the room carrying a tray with food.
- She looked at Harry, "Now if you behave yourself today and eat your breakfast we may take those restraints off." Harry smiled at the aide as she fed him cold oatmeal with a spoon. He apologized for being bad the day before and told the aide he just wasn't himself. He asked if he could get a shower. The aide told Harry he had been a good boy today and untied the restraints. Harry asked for his bathrobe and the aide helped him stand up and put the robe on.
- The aide left the room, Harry went into the bathroom and locked the door. He removed the diaper and was relieved it was not soiled. He pulled the belt from the robe and tied it around his neck. Using all his strength he stood on the bathtub and threw the free end of the belt over the shower curtain rod. Tying it securely, Harry stepped off the bathtub and felt the belt tighten around his neck. Harry suddenly saw a bright light, the light began to dim as Harry felt his body become lifeless. Smiling, Harry had kept his dignity.
