ACE TO YOUR QUEEN

Jed was a flatmate of mine who had a clear message for me. Stay single. It was not just vested interest because we got on so well and he didn't want to lose me as a flatmate. Seemed to be part of his general philosophy on women. Maybe he got badly burned before he came to Auckland. Don't know. But lecture me on the subject he did, frequently. And when you are in your twenties you tend to listen, if the person is a couple of years older, not to mention keeping the peace where you live.


'You can't be sloppy lad, he would say, "That's an entry for them. They will start tidying up, and before you know it...!"


Other advice was around cooking. He was a fine chef. I wasn't. Fried steak and boiled veg were my limit. He once saw my girlfriend Maxine cooking me scrambled eggs for breakfast and gave me a very pointed frown, followed later by a warning.


"They'll get you through your stomach, or what's under it lad, if nothing else has worked" he said, wagging his finger. "You have to learn to cook for yourself."


Laundry was another area he saw as the bachelor's pitfall.


"I saw you letting Maxine do your washing yesterday lad, that's another entry point. Get you dependent, next thing, they've moved in. Next thing, the cement sets. Kids, marriage, mortgage."


Jed took his own rather quaint and old world advice very seriously, practicing what he preached, in spite of being in a relatively long term relationship with his girlfriend Julie. One Sunday morning I came out to see what the racket was coming from his half of the flat. Out on the veranda the two of them were in a tug of war, with Jed's shirts straining between them.


"Let them go! Leave them!" Jed was shrieking.


"Don't be silly Jed, let me do them. I'm doing a wash anyway." Julie was pleading.


"No, I'll do them myself. Let go, damn it!"


This was only a couple of weeks after he had packed up a suitcase of her bits and pieces that he said were "creeping in" since he had started letting her stay overnight. I just shook my head and went back inside to a curious Maxine, in bed, looking warm and inviting.


About a year later we were gathered for the weekly poker game, Jed loved his poker. Never missed a game. We lived in the city but Jed worked over on the North Shore. Eric asked casually as he was shuffling what Jed had been doing in the city that day. Jed puffed on his pipe, shook his head, shrugged, and exhaled a larger than usual cloud of tobacco smoke.


"Sure it was you, going into the Lands Deeds and Registry building lunchtime." Eric persisted.


Jed denied it again. A couple of hands were played and Eric started once again.


"Jed, I know it was you. What's the mystery? Come on. "


The others joined in, giving him a hard time. Jed frowned, and then put his pipe down.


"Oh well, if you must know, Julie and I got married at lunchtime."


Now it takes a lot to silence that poker school. But everyone went into a freeze frame, struck dumb and motionless. Finally Eric spoke.


"You're not kidding, are you?"


Jed confirmed he wasn't.


"So this is your...wedding night?" Eric continued.


Jed nodded. Last I heard Jed was living in Asia somewhere. But not with Julie.

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